Unleashing Demons.
I'm tired of keeping up a front. I have broken down inside and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm losing it all. I have never (in recent times at least) felt more alone than I do now. I am opening up my heart right now and laying it all on the line because I can't continue to act like everything is fine in my mind when in actuality I am falling apart every which way, dropping crucial limbs everywhere and simply not caring enough to pick them back up. I'm scared for my life right now.
I don't know where to start, so I'll start from the parts that people sorta know but don't. My roots. I love my parents, I really do, but I feel like if I'm around them, I lose every bit of my sanity. Nit picking and arguments, screaming and cussing, hitting and yelling left me wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I am tired of comparing myself to other people because I want so badly to make them proud. I've been playing this game with myself since the first time my mother asked me why I don't act more like my older step-sister. Why am I not smart enough? Why am I not athletic enough? Why didn't I take the initiative to do xyz? I'm tired of trying to live up to the image that you believe I should be!
Someone said that maybe my issues with having a trusting good relationship with God is due to my relationship with my fathers on earth. That's an interesting way to put it...my biological father and I don't really have much of a relationship. For about 18 years I desperately wanted him in my life and he wouldn't really give me much. His wife and kids loved me...and I wanted nothing more than to be with them and it made my mother bitter towards me to the point where she told me to move out the house since I wanted to be "near him so badly." I love my step-father, he's amazing, but the most important years, he wasn't physically available to be there for me because he's in the army. I have odd relationships with my "father figures" and with males in general. More male friends than female friends and I trust males more, my friend once told me that I set myself up to be hurt by guys because what I lack in terms of my father I look for in my male friends and I bond with them too quick.
It's just my nature. I WANT to have long bonding relationships (not in an emotional sense, because friendships are relationships) but I've been screwed over so many times to where things I thought I let go are now coming back and threatening my sanity. I'm jealous. I'm unhappy. I don't even know where to begin. And what makes matters worse, I feel like I lost everything I gained. Every bit of peace of mind, every little bit of my sanity is gone.
I am tired of trying to "re-align" myself and I'm tired of trying to "get right" I just want to BE RIGHT. Why can't I just get it right? When will my peace be real? When am I going to be able to just...let go and let God? Why can't I trust You God? Why can't I just open up my heart and let you in? Why? I don't get it. I love You, I hate my life, but I hate it for all the wrong reasons I guess. Lord please just...make it stop.
**edit: so for some reason I was going backwards in another browser and ended up back at my homepage, biblegateway.com...so I refreshed to see the verse of the day, it was Luke 11:13, “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Isn't it like...a lil trippy when you read something and you think, wow...is this what I needed to read? Yeah...it is. It's time for me to BE. It's time for me to LIVE.
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Hi, first time here.wish i'd found this page earlier.