Nov 4, 2009 /

I'm not here anymore...

I'm here..'s a bit yeah...a bit more honest, a bit more......just a bit more. oh well. :D

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Aug 17, 2009 / let's talk , , ,

my apologies.

I'm going to get back on top of this as soon as things slow down lol, more updates tonight though, I just have a WHOLE lot to do today, I've been doing a lot of my blogging type stuff on ( if you care to check it out) but I will be back on here regularly as of tonight. *hopefully*

For the moment though, I'd like to leave you with this:

Phillipians 4:19 -- but my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Today I'm going to be musing on my needs versus my wants. These are so often confused...we think that because we want something reeeeeeally bad, that we need it--basic enough concept, but sometimes it's just a problem for us picking and choosing. This is a little interesting because it comes into play so often especially now that I'm back at school and I'm needing to budget my money, so I have to decide what it is that I want and what it is that I need and what it is that I can afford. (My mind is suddenly brought back to micro-economics and how everything in life has a cost, etc, etc...oh this will be a GOOD post when I get back lol)


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Jun 13, 2009 / let's talk , , , ,

Unleashing Demons.

I'm tired of keeping up a front. I have broken down inside and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm losing it all. I have never (in recent times at least) felt more alone than I do now. I am opening up my heart right now and laying it all on the line because I can't continue to act like everything is fine in my mind when in actuality I am falling apart every which way, dropping crucial limbs everywhere and simply not caring enough to pick them back up. I'm scared for my life right now.

I don't know where to start, so I'll start from the parts that people sorta know but don't. My roots. I love my parents, I really do, but I feel like if I'm around them, I lose every bit of my sanity. Nit picking and arguments, screaming and cussing, hitting and yelling left me wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I am tired of comparing myself to other people because I want so badly to make them proud. I've been playing this game with myself since the first time my mother asked me why I don't act more like my older step-sister. Why am I not smart enough? Why am I not athletic enough? Why didn't I take the initiative to do xyz? I'm tired of trying to live up to the image that you believe I should be!

Someone said that maybe my issues with having a trusting good relationship with God is due to my relationship with my fathers on earth. That's an interesting way to put biological father and I don't really have much of a relationship. For about 18 years I desperately wanted him in my life and he wouldn't really give me much. His wife and kids loved me...and I wanted nothing more than to be with them and it made my mother bitter towards me to the point where she told me to move out the house since I wanted to be "near him so badly." I love my step-father, he's amazing, but the most important years, he wasn't physically available to be there for me because he's in the army. I have odd relationships with my "father figures" and with males in general. More male friends than female friends and I trust males more, my friend once told me that I set myself up to be hurt by guys because what I lack in terms of my father I look for in my male friends and I bond with them too quick.

It's just my nature. I WANT to have long bonding relationships (not in an emotional sense, because friendships are relationships) but I've been screwed over so many times to where things I thought I let go are now coming back and threatening my sanity. I'm jealous. I'm unhappy. I don't even know where to begin. And what makes matters worse, I feel like I lost everything I gained. Every bit of peace of mind, every little bit of my sanity is gone.

I am tired of trying to "re-align" myself and I'm tired of trying to "get right" I just want to BE RIGHT. Why can't I just get it right? When will my peace be real? When am I going to be able to just...let go and let God? Why can't I trust You God? Why can't I just open up my heart and let you in? Why? I don't get it. I love You, I hate my life, but I hate it for all the wrong reasons I guess. Lord please just...make it stop.

**edit: so for some reason I was going backwards in another browser and ended up back at my homepage, I refreshed to see the verse of the day, it was Luke 11:13, “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Isn't it like...a lil trippy when you read something and you think, this what I needed to read? is. It's time for me to BE. It's time for me to LIVE.

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May 30, 2009 / let's talk , , , ,

.live like you're dying.

So...first, I bought this indy-pop-ish album this week on a limb lol...and I remembered why I love "white" music so freaking much! It's so uplifting and happy, like seriously--a lot of the things they talk about are related to love and stuff, but it's all joyful and cheerful, so I can just bob my head from side to never realized how unhappy I actually might have been until I realized the potential of my happiness by looking at how happy I had been at points in my life. Does that make sense? 

Anyway, I have way too many "social networking", from here to twitter, to's just too much. I wrote something the other day in my computer journal...and it really hit me how lost I am. I was talking about someone that I had been, I guess "observing" maybe? Regardless, this was what I wrote:
"I envy the fact that you know yourself so well and I’m still sitting here confused about where to begin to look when it comes down to finding myself."
It hit me how little I understand myself, and in my tired ramblings I something so true to me. I still felt unfulfilled with myself. I was still devaluing myself. I am still completely lost as to who the heck I am. I am still comparing myself to others. However, there is an upside to this...I have made progress. It may seem small, but any progress is still

So I started a plan last week, it's a 40 day character makeover program that focuses on 8 things, humility, confidence, courage, self-control, patience, contentment, generosity, and perseverance (pictured on the left.) I just got through with the humility bit, so I just started on confidence and it had me read a few scriptures on learning my identity...and the one that hit me hard was in Psalms. 
Psalm 139:14-18 (New Living Translation)

 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
 16 You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.

 17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
 18 I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!

Talk about powerful stuff right? I mean...I'm not as much of a Jesus fanatic as I should be, but when I really have to think about it, God has some pretty amazing stuff laid out for me. On top of that, he's always with there is no reason for me to be worrying about things when I go into situations because he has my back. He's my ultimate support. Idk, it really got me. Not just the fact that he's with me, but this is the passage that's like "I'm remarkably and wonderfully made," talk about a confidence It just gives you something to think about. Comparing yourself to others does nothing but bring in pride, whether it shows itself by saying I'm better than that person or that every person is better than me is the only difference (btw, feelings of worthlessness is just as prideful as feelings of incredible self-worth...I didn't know that, but when it was all explained to me...OOOOOOH boy, it sure made sense. lol) 

Anyway, I guess this post is just saying to love you the way you're made. Not just in regards to the physical parts, but maybe your creative ability, maybe you can't write a poem, but you know how to balance your budget--lol, everyone has their strengths. They are all appreciated because without those strengths, think about how out of wack this world would be. If everyone was an amazing poet or an amazing singer what would get accomplished if none of us knew how to count?'s a random thought, probably made no sense, but I know where I'm going in my mind! That's all I got for the moment though, be blesssssssed. 

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May 16, 2009 / let's talk , , , ,

.whatcha lookin at.

Just a thought to pass the am leaving for New Jersey today and I cannot WAIT...this is such an awesome time for me, even if the internship ends up falling through all thanks to UF...*sigh*...but regardless of what happens, I know that it happens with a purpose.

God don't make mistakes.

I have to remember that sometimes. He really doesn't. Every thing He does has  reason that we just never understand in the moment...but hey, it happens. In other news...I've finally found a worthy distraction's actually pretty awesome if I must admit. It's a combination of many things I love...people, music, and pictures. So it's interesting. It's nice to have everything in one secure place. I'm starting to write more stuff...stuff about you, stuff about me, stuff about life, stuff about...stuff. It just works. 

Quiet Time Chronicles

I find that if I discuss my quiet time, it's more ensured that I'll do it everyday. So bear with me..and if you don't care to discuss God then skip this part of my blog. lol...sooo today I was reading Matthew. I read from the beginning to Matthew 6:24. It basically went over a lot of the basics...the birth of Jesus, the Wise Men, the killing of babies, and then it got to the good stuff...the Sermon on the Mount...yeeeeeeah...

Okay so I stopped at the section labeled "God and Possessions" because it caught me at a certain point. So Matthew 6:21-24 read: 

21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.  22 “Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. 23 But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is! 24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

So the part that really got to me were verses 22 and 23 where is talked about your eyes being a was really cool and made me think, what have I been putting into my body? What have I been opening myself up to that is filling me with darkness? I thought about how when you have light and you are with God, how much more peaceful you are and things like's always great to have a nice enlightening touch. SO the question that I will be musing on is whether my eye is good or bad...because even though these verses are about God and money, I thought about other things that we can call our masters...being a slave to lust, being a slave to whatever else you may struggle with--I'm just being transparent and saying lust is something that I struggle with being a slave to at times. BUT my prize isn't some man, my prize isn't prize isn't on this earth. My prize is waaaay up there...with my Daddy--God. Think about it! Where are your eye focused? On the light...or in darkness.

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May 14, 2009 /

.sweeter than you.

but on a serious note: what would you give for total happiness? how long are you willing to wait? what are you willing to give up in order to have the best life you possibly could? 

would you give it all up? 

would you sacrifice something you loved for something bigger? what if you could have a glimpse of the future, of what you had the potential to be? what would you do to get there? and what if you didn't like what you saw?

I don't know...I just had those random questions pop up in my head. 

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May 11, 2009 / let's talk , , , ,

slow dancing in a burning room..

My mom went to Moorestown Friends School in Moorestown, her yearbook was out and I was like, hey can I look through it? She said yes...and I wonder if she knew I'd find what I found, but today made me realize how much I'm like my mom and my's really funny. All the way down to the borderline sexual abuse that I put my coworkers through! HA! My mom apparently used to smack the guys butts all the time and say "get out of town!" and she would bring her radio to lunch everyday. That was what everyone mentioned, "I'll never forget you and your radio." 

Of course this isn't all I saw...what is in that picture is what got me the most. It's a message from my biological father, Eric. There are a lot of things I just didn't that he wrote songs for her...that he really thought that he loved her, how he could see himself spending forever with was crazy. It made me wonder why they never worked everything out...I mean, I know why--because when my mom said she was pregnant he said he wasn't ready--but they seemed to be really good friends. In fact what my dad said was, "Of the many things I love about our relationship is that we can talk to each other and work our differences out before they become problems." It really just made me think. How often we think we have it all figured out when in reality we have no idea what's in store. I think in that way I'm a lot like him...still got that EM in me. It takes me the one day that I broke down my mom's barrier...she said..."I just don't want you to end up like your father," by that she meant alone and constantly hurting others by walking away--he had by this time had a new wife, 2 kids + the one she had already had...and he left her. I get a little scared that my mom is right...that when things get to be too good to be true, maybe I walk away. Or if maybe when things get really bumpy after being really great, I get scared and clam up. Maybe I'm more like my father than I ever want to admit...which has made me want to talk to him this summer. To figure out more stuff about him because no matter how much he hasn't been in my life even though I'm very much so present in his...I recognize our connection even if he doesn't. It's in the music we listen to, the way we react to things, the way we feel...and it's scary. Terrifying...and yet it's exhilerating knowing that from this encounter...I might be able to figure out more stuff about myself. 

"Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be" 
--John Mayer--
"Split Screen Sadness"

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