thoughts that come...
Timeforsomething...raw.
I'm tired of being jealous of people.
It's not what I'm supposed to be anyway, and I get that...but that's not the point. I often find myself comparing myself to these random broads (some not so random) and I can't help but say geez, why can't I be more like her...and yeah that's "normal" to an extent...but not to my extent.
It's scary how uncomfortable I get with myself. It terrifies me that in a time where "self-discovery" is so pivotal and I want to be loved so bad that there is a slight chance that I haven't quite figured out how to love myself.
Like...where are the lessons on how to do that? There are all sorts of lists and spreadsheets about "letting stuff go" or "knowing the 'right' guy for you" or...whatever...but nothing on how to love yourself..because the first step is to know yourself and yet--I have no idea what I even like on my own. I'm truly a blank page that has been scribbled on by so many people that my own identity--my signature--somehow got caught in the mix. I'm scared to erase some of the things that they wrote for fear of losing the original signature.
...but sometimes I wonder if the point of all this is to [ e r a s e ] that whole page..and start over.
but how?
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I hear you...
I'll never forget the beginning of this year, when my ex wanted me to pick something as simple as a date location... he told me to think of someplace I wanted to go...
and that's when I realized that I had spent so much time being with others and going where others wanted to go, that I didn't know where I even liked to go when by myself. That realization hurt me.
Spend some time with yourself... first step in getting to love yourself... just like any friend, you gotta get to know them (in this case, you) first! :)
that one says
what pisses me off about that is that I don't even know where to START.
*sigh*
self-discover is such a tedious process...lol
E A Gamor says
*gulp* I'll hold my breath and be the first guy to comment on this note. I think a lot of what u bring up Ash is interesting and perfectly normal. Self-discovery or the journey to self-discovery happens throughout our lives, usually more than once. We define ourselves by who we associate with, what we like, what we want to do in the future and more often that not we define ourselves by the destination and not the journey it took to get there. Three days to graduation and I realize I can not define myself as an undergrad student anymore, as a freshman/senior or college kid. And it is a little difficult to come to terms with but what is important in my opinion isn't just the day and walking across the stage to shake Bernie's sweaty hands (I'm actually cringing at the prospect)...its the journey I took to get there that makes me a graduate and sometimes that's what really matters. Then I become a friend, a school mate, a scholar, a mentor, a mentee, a poet, a photographer, an ever evolving lover of life...only this time I'm on yet another journey :-)
http://emmanuelgamor.blogspot.com
that one says
Wow Emmanuel, thank you so much for that. I think I spent so much time trying to find a way to define myself and to give myself a title that I missed the important thing (as you stated) the journey that I took to get here.
Thank you for helping me remember that...and as far as who/what I am, I am slowly learning to identify myself as Ashley. No titles needed after that because so often we use titles as labels for other peoples benefit. Reflecting on my life will give me more insight as to who I am than anything else will.