My Blog

"and I'm not talking bout sex
but it's gonna be the best
feeling that you ever felt
it's love...
talking bout watching the sunrise
in your eyes
when you finally realize
you're in love."

well, it's an Saturday morning. I had an interesting Friday, a loooooong conversation. Made me think about all the past hurts. In the convo the guy had been like, do you know how it feels to be put on hold?

yeah. I do.

It brought back all the days of middle school and high school, having little crushes on guys, and having them come at me...to get my friends numbers. It brought me back to my freshman year of college where I swore it was gonna be me and him but it wasn't that way in his head...and he played me like a toy. I was so sure...and then come to find out later that he's talking to my friend--and then she lied about it. Wow...like, I'm over it now--but having these things come back to me...it's crazy. The feeling of having a dream or a fantasy where someone is with you and then for them to look at you and play along and then just be like...SYYYYYKE...GOTCHA! I mean, I hate the fact that pain is so prevalent today. I made a choice a while ago to never, ever put someone on hold romantically.

I would never tell someone to wait on me. I have faith that if it's supposed to work out it will, which seems to be a crazy concept for some. I mean I understand like, waiting for something you really want, but I don't think it's fair to stop someone else's progress for the fact that you can't see yourself with someone else. If you can't see yourself with someone else and you aren't willing to take a chance on things NOT being the way you want, don't tell someone "hey--wait around for me, I'm not ready for it--but when I am, it's gonna be you...so you shouldn't talk to anybody else..." I mean...selfish much?

Taking it back to that guy that started messing around with my friend...well they broke up last year, and then at the beginning of the school year he and I started chilling again (like, just as friends...by this point in time he and I and the girl and I had reconciled) and he starts flirting a bit...*sigh*...whatever. See my problem is that I waited on this guy, even though I was talking to other guys, had he came to me I would have taken him up on it--and then it FINALLY hit me that this dude is NOT gonna change. SOOOOO we had been flirting and then I finally got the nerve to ask him why I wasn't enough...and he gave me his response and I don't remember it anymore, but that's not the point. Oh well...things just weren't meant to be--at all--but you couldn't tell me that before.

Which brings me back to these past few months where I found myself saying that what I had was something that was meant to be--so now I had to go back and think about the last time I said that and remember that we are always looking and sure that this one will be the right one, but I have to remind myself that the right one might not come on my time but he'll be there when God says it's the right time.