My Blog

"But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key
But he means the world to me"

So this morning, as my ex-boyfriend/bestfriend left my room, after a long almost fight over the internet, he posted something on my wall that a friend of ours wrote to his girlfriend. In this poem, a man I'll just call V (anyone reading this that knows the couple will be like, hmm...THAT'S discreet...not. lol) started off with an amazing stanza...

She has no idea
That we share the same fears
When months turn to years
That our dreams will become tears
Pushed to the rear
Because of childish ideas
Of "love and happiness"

...and the poem continued in this manner, just getting more and more beautiful, and my favorite

She has no idea
That I see God in her.
And want to grow old with her
One day start a family
We'll host Sunday dinner.
I love her for the inner
Even though her outer
And everything about her is a winner

It made me pause and think about what I wanted. How badly I hoped that one day someone will want that with me, feel that with me...and then after I told him how much I liked it, he posted something on my wall...saying that was how he feels.

I often wonder why I'm so selfish when it comes to love. I love hard, but at the same time I'm very guarded. I love the way that love feels, but I almost hate how love makes me so happy. It's like I have a dependency on having a significant other and this has been an issue of mine for awhile--and then when I try and fix it, I decide that the only way to fix it is to break it off. It's not healthy, but it seems to be my generic response. I know that I can't depend on man to do things right...people will always fail and fall short of what we need or want, so I try to depend on God and yet I continue to get caught up with my desire to have someone. A disruptive cycle because often the guys don't even realize that these thoughts are going through my head, so when I break things off they're left wondering what they did wrong when they did nothing but be so good that my heart grew on them

Some people tell me that love is, to an extent, a dependency. It's a relationship, it's a commitment, it's a compromise...and while I accept some of these roles, dependency just isn't one that I agree with. Maybe it's because my biological father left my mom and she had to be independent I have a view that until you get married, independent is that way to go...so here is my explanation and apology to someone I love and can see myself marrying one day:

I love you, and you know that. I know that my actions and my words sometimes don't coincide and it's a maddening cycle that you are partaking in that goes from fabulous highs to ridiculous lows, but if you give me this time, maybe I'll be able to get it right. I have faith that there is a plan and there is no way that something of this earth could break our bond unless the breaking is what God wants. I love how happy you make me and I love how I can make you smile and I love that you're able to express your feelings to not only me, but to your friends and family. You are amazing...and I want nothing but to see you happy...just right now it might not be able to be with me. You're my best friend and no one will ever be able to replace you or come close to where you are in my heart...have faith that at the end of all this, we'll be together...even if it isn't romantically.

And yet...I still don't feel that those words even begin to express the words in my heart.

lovelove.