slow dancing in a burning room..
My mom went to Moorestown Friends School in Moorestown, NJ...so her yearbook was out and I was like, hey can I look through it? She said yes...and I wonder if she knew I'd find what I found, but today made me realize how much I'm like my mom and my dad...it's really funny. All the way down to the borderline sexual abuse that I put my coworkers through! HA! My mom apparently used to smack the guys butts all the time and say "get out of town!" and she would bring her radio to lunch everyday. That was what everyone mentioned, "I'll never forget you and your radio."
Of course this isn't all I saw...what is in that picture is what got me the most. It's a message from my biological father, Eric. There are a lot of things I just didn't know...like that he wrote songs for her...that he really thought that he loved her, how he could see himself spending forever with her...it was crazy. It made me wonder why they never worked everything out...I mean, I know why--because when my mom said she was pregnant he said he wasn't ready--but they seemed to be really good friends. In fact what my dad said was, "Of the many things I love about our relationship is that we can talk to each other and work our differences out before they become problems." It really just made me think. How often we think we have it all figured out when in reality we have no idea what's in store. I think in that way I'm a lot like him...still got that EM in me. It takes me back...to the one day that I broke down my mom's barrier...she said..."I just don't want you to end up like your father," by that she meant alone and constantly hurting others by walking away--he had by this time had a new wife, 2 kids + the one she had already had...and he left her. I get a little scared that my mom is right...that when things get to be too good to be true, maybe I walk away. Or if maybe when things get really bumpy after being really great, I get scared and clam up. Maybe I'm more like my father than I ever want to admit...which has made me want to talk to him this summer. To figure out more stuff about him because no matter how much he hasn't been in my life even though I'm very much so present in his...I recognize our connection even if he doesn't. It's in the music we listen to, the way we react to things, the way we feel...and it's scary. Terrifying...and yet it's exhilerating knowing that from this encounter...I might be able to figure out more stuff about myself.
"Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be"
--John Mayer--
"Split Screen Sadness"
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You're killin' me with the John Mayer! :) He's so quotable... because he seems to have a song to match all my issues lol.
That sounds like a very cool plan this summer... it's scary how much of our parents are in us... when we try the hardest to make sure it's not is when it seems the most of it is present.
If the parents would just tell us these things then we would be able to see it earlier and *hopefully* not make the same mistakes they did... but for some reason, they seem to think that silence is a better way to go... *ignorance is bliss*... and I can't help but wonder if when I'm their age, if I'll be doing the same things to my kids...
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