musings in my mind...

I'm not here anymore...

2009-11-04T10:17:00.001-05:00

I'm here..

theashleymichelle.blogspot.com

ummm...it's a bit more...me? yeah...a bit more honest, a bit more......just a bit more. oh well. :D

my apologies.

2009-08-17T12:34:00.002-04:00

I'm going to get back on top of this as soon as things slow down lol, more updates tonight though, I just have a WHOLE lot to do today, I've been doing a lot of my blogging type stuff on tumblr.com (http://sheisl0ved.tumblr.com if you care to check it out) but I will be back on here regularly as of tonight. *hopefully*

For the moment though, I'd like to leave you with this:

Phillipians 4:19 -- but my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Today I'm going to be musing on my needs versus my wants. These are so often confused...we think that because we want something reeeeeeally bad, that we need it--basic enough concept, but sometimes it's just a problem for us picking and choosing. This is a little interesting because it comes into play so often especially now that I'm back at school and I'm needing to budget my money, so I have to decide what it is that I want and what it is that I need and what it is that I can afford. (My mind is suddenly brought back to micro-economics and how everything in life has a cost, etc, etc...oh this will be a GOOD post when I get back lol)

Be BLESSED.

Unleashing Demons.

2009-06-13T09:35:00.004-04:00

I'm tired of keeping up a front. I have broken down inside and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm losing it all. I have never (in recent times at least) felt more alone than I do now. I am opening up my heart right now and laying it all on the line because I can't continue to act like everything is fine in my mind when in actuality I am falling apart every which way, dropping crucial limbs everywhere and simply not caring enough to pick them back up. I'm scared for my life right now.

I don't know where to start, so I'll start from the parts that people sorta know but don't. My roots. I love my parents, I really do, but I feel like if I'm around them, I lose every bit of my sanity. Nit picking and arguments, screaming and cussing, hitting and yelling left me wanting to kill myself at the age of 8. I am tired of comparing myself to other people because I want so badly to make them proud. I've been playing this game with myself since the first time my mother asked me why I don't act more like my older step-sister. Why am I not smart enough? Why am I not athletic enough? Why didn't I take the initiative to do xyz? I'm tired of trying to live up to the image that you believe I should be!

Someone said that maybe my issues with having a trusting good relationship with God is due to my relationship with my fathers on earth. That's an interesting way to put it...my biological father and I don't really have much of a relationship. For about 18 years I desperately wanted him in my life and he wouldn't really give me much. His wife and kids loved me...and I wanted nothing more than to be with them and it made my mother bitter towards me to the point where she told me to move out the house since I wanted to be "near him so badly." I love my step-father, he's amazing, but the most important years, he wasn't physically available to be there for me because he's in the army. I have odd relationships with my "father figures" and with males in general. More male friends than female friends and I trust males more, my friend once told me that I set myself up to be hurt by guys because what I lack in terms of my father I look for in my male friends and I bond with them too quick.

It's just my nature. I WANT to have long bonding relationships (not in an emotional sense, because friendships are relationships) but I've been screwed over so many times to where things I thought I let go are now coming back and threatening my sanity. I'm jealous. I'm unhappy. I don't even know where to begin. And what makes matters worse, I feel like I lost everything I gained. Every bit of peace of mind, every little bit of my sanity is gone.

I am tired of trying to "re-align" myself and I'm tired of trying to "get right" I just want to BE RIGHT. Why can't I just get it right? When will my peace be real? When am I going to be able to just...let go and let God? Why can't I trust You God? Why can't I just open up my heart and let you in? Why? I don't get it. I love You, I hate my life, but I hate it for all the wrong reasons I guess. Lord please just...make it stop.

**edit: so for some reason I was going backwards in another browser and ended up back at my homepage, biblegateway.com...so I refreshed to see the verse of the day, it was Luke 11:13, “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Isn't it like...a lil trippy when you read something and you think, wow...is this what I needed to read? Yeah...it is. It's time for me to BE. It's time for me to LIVE.

.live like you're dying.

2009-05-30T17:04:00.004-04:00

So...first, I bought this indy-pop-ish album this week on a limb lol...and I remembered why I love "white" music so freaking much! It's so uplifting and happy, like seriously--a lot of the things they talk about are related to love and stuff, but it's all joyful and cheerful, so I can just bob my head from side to side...lol...I never realized how unhappy I actually might have been until I realized the potential of my happiness by looking at how happy I had been at points in my life. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I have way too many "social networking" outlets...lol, from here to twitter, to facebook...it's just too much. I wrote something the other day in my computer journal...and it really hit me how lost I am. I was talking about someone that I had been, I guess "observing" maybe? Regardless, this was what I wrote:

"I envy the fact that you know yourself so well and I’m still sitting here confused about where to begin to look when it comes down to finding myself."

It hit me how little I understand myself, and in my tired ramblings I something so true to me. I still felt unfulfilled with myself. I was still devaluing myself. I am still completely lost as to who the heck I am. I am still comparing myself to others. However, there is an upside to this...I have made progress. It may seem small, but any progress is still progress...lol.

So I started a plan last week, it's a 40 day character makeover program that focuses on 8 things, humility, confidence, courage, self-control, patience, contentment, generosity, and perseverance (pictured on the left.) I just got through with the humility bit, so I just started on confidence and it had me read a few scriptures on learning my identity...and the one that hit me hard was in Psalms.

Psalm 139:14-18 (New Living Translation)

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
   Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
   as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
   Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
   before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
   They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
   they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
   you are still with me!

Talk about powerful stuff right? I mean...I'm not as much of a Jesus fanatic as I should be, but when I really have to think about it, God has some pretty amazing stuff laid out for me. On top of that, he's always with me...like there is no reason for me to be worrying about things when I go into situations because he has my back. He's my ultimate support. Idk, it really got me. Not just the fact that he's with me, but this is the passage that's like "I'm remarkably and wonderfully made," talk about a confidence booster...lol. It just gives you something to think about. Comparing yourself to others does nothing but bring in pride, whether it shows itself by saying I'm better than that person or that every person is better than me is the only difference (btw, feelings of worthlessness is just as prideful as feelings of incredible self-worth...I didn't know that, but when it was all explained to me...OOOOOOH boy, it sure made sense. lol)

Anyway, I guess this post is just saying to love you the way you're made. Not just in regards to the physical parts, but maybe your creative ability, maybe you can't write a poem, but you know how to balance your budget--lol, everyone has their strengths. They are all appreciated because without those strengths, think about how out of wack this world would be. If everyone was an amazing poet or an amazing singer what would get accomplished if none of us knew how to count? lol...it's a random thought, probably made no sense, but I know where I'm going in my mind! That's all I got for the moment though, be blesssssssed.

.whatcha lookin at.

2009-05-16T09:52:00.001-04:00

Just a thought to pass the time...lol...I am leaving for New Jersey today and I cannot WAIT...this is such an awesome time for me, even if the internship ends up falling through all thanks to UF...*sigh*...but regardless of what happens, I know that it happens with a purpose.

God don't make mistakes.

I have to remember that sometimes. He really doesn't. Every thing He does has reason that we just never understand in the moment...but hey, it happens. In other news...I've finally found a worthy distraction lol...it's actually pretty awesome if I must admit. It's a combination of many things I love...people, music, and pictures. So it's interesting. It's nice to have everything in one secure place. I'm starting to write more stuff...stuff about you, stuff about me, stuff about life, stuff about...stuff. It just works.

Quiet Time Chronicles

I find that if I discuss my quiet time, it's more ensured that I'll do it everyday. So bear with me..and if you don't care to discuss God then skip this part of my blog. lol...sooo today I was reading Matthew. I read from the beginning to Matthew 6:24. It basically went over a lot of the basics...the birth of Jesus, the Wise Men, the killing of babies, and then it got to the good stuff...the Sermon on the Mount...yeeeeeeah...

Okay so I stopped at the section labeled "God and Possessions" because it caught me at a certain point. So Matthew 6:21-24 read:

21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. 22 “Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. 23 But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is! 24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

So the part that really got to me were verses 22 and 23 where is talked about your eyes being a lamp...it was really cool and made me think, what have I been putting into my body? What have I been opening myself up to that is filling me with darkness? I thought about how when you have light and you are with God, how much more peaceful you are and things like that...it's always great to have a nice enlightening touch. SO the question that I will be musing on is whether my eye is good or bad...because even though these verses are about God and money, I thought about other things that we can call our masters...being a slave to lust, being a slave to whatever else you may struggle with--I'm just being transparent and saying lust is something that I struggle with being a slave to at times. BUT my prize isn't some man, my prize isn't sex...my prize isn't on this earth. My prize is waaaay up there...with my Daddy--God. Think about it! Where are your eye focused? On the light...or in darkness.

.sweeter than you.

2009-05-14T12:01:00.002-04:00

but on a serious note: what would you give for total happiness? how long are you willing to wait? what are you willing to give up in order to have the best life you possibly could?

would you give it all up?

would you sacrifice something you loved for something bigger? what if you could have a glimpse of the future, of what you had the potential to be? what would you do to get there? and what if you didn't like what you saw?

I don't know...I just had those random questions pop up in my head.

slow dancing in a burning room..

2009-05-11T18:56:00.005-04:00

My mom went to Moorestown Friends School in Moorestown, NJ...so her yearbook was out and I was like, hey can I look through it? She said yes...and I wonder if she knew I'd find what I found, but today made me realize how much I'm like my mom and my dad...it's really funny. All the way down to the borderline sexual abuse that I put my coworkers through! HA! My mom apparently used to smack the guys butts all the time and say "get out of town!" and she would bring her radio to lunch everyday. That was what everyone mentioned, "I'll never forget you and your radio."

Of course this isn't all I saw...what is in that picture is what got me the most. It's a message from my biological father, Eric. There are a lot of things I just didn't know...like that he wrote songs for her...that he really thought that he loved her, how he could see himself spending forever with her...it was crazy. It made me wonder why they never worked everything out...I mean, I know why--because when my mom said she was pregnant he said he wasn't ready--but they seemed to be really good friends. In fact what my dad said was, "Of the many things I love about our relationship is that we can talk to each other and work our differences out before they become problems." It really just made me think. How often we think we have it all figured out when in reality we have no idea what's in store. I think in that way I'm a lot like him...still got that EM in me. It takes me back...to the one day that I broke down my mom's barrier...she said..."I just don't want you to end up like your father," by that she meant alone and constantly hurting others by walking away--he had by this time had a new wife, 2 kids + the one she had already had...and he left her. I get a little scared that my mom is right...that when things get to be too good to be true, maybe I walk away. Or if maybe when things get really bumpy after being really great, I get scared and clam up. Maybe I'm more like my father than I ever want to admit...which has made me want to talk to him this summer. To figure out more stuff about him because no matter how much he hasn't been in my life even though I'm very much so present in his...I recognize our connection even if he doesn't. It's in the music we listen to, the way we react to things, the way we feel...and it's scary. Terrifying...and yet it's exhilerating knowing that from this encounter...I might be able to figure out more stuff about myself.

"Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me

So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be"

--John Mayer--

"Split Screen Sadness"

lesson of the year!!

2009-05-11T14:19:00.002-04:00

I will be italicizing some of the things I should work on...lol...*italicizes whole document* lol

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

5. Make time to pray.

6. Play more games.

7. Read more books than you did in 2008.

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

This is such a good thing to read...a great thing to just...let marinate. *blows out air* smile--someone loves ya!

i realize...

2009-05-11T01:36:00.004-04:00

you never really fall out of love with someone.
you can't control who you love.
sometimes--you really do have to let go...
...and letting go means giving up control.

and that's something I was never good with, giving up control, but sometimes you're faced with facts and bit and pieces of information mixed with emotion that lead you to throw your hands up in utter frustration and the minute you let go [break] you try and grab at it again.

*cusses inwardly*

I have GOT to do better.

falling out of it...

2009-05-10T10:28:00.003-04:00

"And well I dont wanna live a lie too many sleepless nights,

Not mentioning the fights I'm sorry to say lady [...] Well Im so tired baby,

Things you say youre driving me away..." -- "Walking Away" Craig David

I remember when this used to be my jam, lowkey--I had the BIGGEST crush on Craig David. Moving on, I chose this comic because it just seems to describe how I feel...lol, falling out of love. You can butter it up, put makeup on it, but how do you describe the feeling of falling out of it?

I find myself slowly but surely distancing myself from aspects of my own life. Things that I adopted into my life, sucked into my life, tried to make my own...I'm pushing them away...and for the record this isn't just in regards to romantic stuff this is in regards to a lot of stuff that I used to love. Whether that be relationships in regards to guys or friends or family...or whatever. I'm falling out if it and while it's scary, it's also kinda liberating. It feels good to have a desire to not want to see this person and I know it sounds weird, but I'm happy when I realize that I'm no longer curious about certain aspects of people's lives or even concerned about that person period.

I have to be honest with myself here. I get obsessed. I have a tendency to pick out people who are "better than me" and obsess over any little detail of what they have that I don't and it feels amazing to be able to not compare myself to them. It feels great to be happy with me. Just me. I don't need her looks, I don't want her talents, I don't desire the things that make her happy--because I realize they won't necessarily make me happy. It may seem like a simple concept, but coming from me, a person who usually dictates how happy I am with myself by how others react to it, it's great to not care what other people think.

I'm falling out of love with the "public" Ashley and falling in love with the real Ashley. All the things that I used to live off of...embracing the dork that I was way back when...lol. Loving me for who I am the chick who loves to read, loves anything beautiful, who sings for fun, who doesn't care about what she wears but cares more about being comfortable with who she is, who isn't ashamed to scream because she has so much joy, who has tons of energy to kill and a hunger for happiness and peace that keeps her going just as much as her desire to maintain other's happiness. The girl that was selfless...who cared more about her friends than herself, but not to a point where it was detrimental to her health or her well-being. I feel like as time has passed, I've allowed myself to get more dumb...lol...that I've cared so little for myself and put so much into other people's well-being that I allowed myself to fall apart...living vicariously through others, it's had its effects but that all ends this summer.

It's just me and You. Take me in Your arms and comfort me Father...because You are the only one who can help me right now. You have brought me so far, and Your strength is going through me, I can feel it...and I love You. Thank You for Your many blessings, please continue to guide me and stay with me until the end of my days when I can join you. Amen.

what it should be like...

2009-05-07T18:18:00.007-04:00

First and foremost...I flipping adore Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, not necessarily everything they do, but they are an amazing power couple in the entertainment industry, even if they weren't black I would still say they are top notch.

So I was reading this old magazine that had an interview with the two of them and a few of the quotes stuck out...so I had to take notes...both of them were saying reeeeally good stuff:

"We think our partners are supposed to erase all the troubles of the world, but it's just the opposite. Your partner is going to open you up."

"In order to have a good relationship, I think you've got to give yourself. There's so much beauty in having that vulnerability & openness, but it's also a double-edged sword because nobody can hurt you more than the person who's closest to you."

and the most important of these top 3 that I pulled:

"You've got to create what you want in your relationship, but you've got to be who you want to be first."

Talk about some KNOWLEDGE. I mean, but it's such a simple concept. It's that same played out idea of "how can you expect anyone to love you when you don't love yourself" but at the same time, think about it--in so many ways we are not who we want to be when we start relationships. For many people, they changed for the sake of getting that person's attention and then slowly but surely, they grow in love with the person on the inside, because so many times the image that we portray isn't who we truly are.

Also notice I didn't say "fall" in love, but "grow" in love...I don't believe in falling in love anymore. If you're falling--you're bound to get hurt when you hit the ground and often you will see the ground coming but you're so oblivious to the fact that it's pavement that you just wait for it to come and smack you in the face...another reason I don't believe in falling in love, because then it's unexpected. No one prepares to fall, that's infatuation, that's a crush. People grow into love...that's how you get marriages that last.

Next--that whole concept of creating what you want in a relationship. When I think of creations, I think of cooking...you can only get out what you put in, right? Yeah, yeah...I know, I'm right. lol...anyway, you can only get a good relationship if you're putting in the appropriate ingredients for that. You don't throw flour in ice cream, so why would you throw anger and immaturity in a relationship if that's not something that will foster its growth? Think about what you're putting in and be sure that the ingredients you're putting in are what your significant other thinks you're putting in...because even if you have the best intentions, if you put salt on sugar cookies because it was inappropriately labeled sugar--you meant to do right, but everyone else is going to see you as wrong.

So about that other quote, how people think their significant other is supposed to make everything better...all I can say is AMEN. You can't go into a relationship thinking that this person is the one that will sweep you off your feet and make all your problems disappear...and on the flip side of this, you can't go into a relationship having all these preconceived notions of what you "know" is going to happen--because you don't. You'd be surprised how people change up. *pause* but...

Something that I want to experience is something that Will said to Jada...his words almost brought a tear to my eye, I swear:

"I would never be able to function if our union came into question."

Gotta love it, like...foreal. Imaging having a husband--mind you this isn't DEPENDANCE in my mind...when you come into a union with someone, there is not supposed to be divorce. This is something that some people just can't seem to figure out...in this statement he is not depending on Jada...nor is he depending on the relationship itself, a union is more than just the fact that they're married. In order for a union to come to pass, there are elements of trust, love, happiness with one another--if that came into question...then he wouldn't be able to function...and I love that. (Don't get me wrong, I want a strong man, but if my husband says "I love you, but I could care less whether or not this thing works" oh...it would take ALL of my heart to not cut him...RIGHT THERE...lol)

...but to end this on a positive note, all this lovey dovey-ness...here is one more quote from Mr. Smith.

"Love is the only real connective tissue that allows you to not live and die by yourself."

.give aways.

2009-05-06T16:06:00.004-04:00

"If I knew that this could be

A total catastrophe

I probably would have told you a little sooner

so you wouldn't get hurt"

ONE day into leaving Gainesville...and we're already having problems and throwing subliminal jabs at one another. *sigh*

I have a problem taking my own advice sometimes I see. I think everyone has this problem though if they are ever honest with themselves...so I'll leave this whole thing alone and just blog about some generic topic that could or could not be related. *chuckle*

Anyway--before I begin with the relationship stuff, I have to show some happiness!! I got an internship with Comcast SportsNet! Now all that I have to do is pray that UF doesn't try to ruin it for me...but I should be fine. The lady on the phone was nice, my friend who has taken an internship said that everything should work out. Also...I'm fully enjoying this new house that my parents invested in thanks to the tragic economy, this house was more affordable--and it is bomb I must admit, I think they said they're installing a pool in the backyard eventually which I am super excited for since I'm natural and no longer have to worry about my relaxed hair getting jacked up. BAM. Hop in the pool, hop in the shower...good to go. lol.

Now onto this blog piece.

So today I was having my quiet time with God. I had been slacking, but it felt good to get a good hour and some change in with the big man. So I had been kinda pondering about having closure with all my relationship woes. Things have been interesting and once again I am left saying why did I choose to date my best friend? eh, it is what it is. I've learned that you can't be mad about situations and how they turn out--back to quiet time. So I've been reading through Mark and today I read Mark 8 through 10, and I hit that hard hitting Mark 9:43-48 which says if anything causes you to sin, cut it off. Now I've read this time and time again and it's affected me before, but something told me to keep on reading (had to be God) sooooo I did, and that's when I got to my *bang* moment. Mark 10:29-30.

So I have a minor issue with loneliness, not gonna lie. I have always kinda feared being alone and I voiced this to my small group. Basically I had asked what do you do when you are feeling lonely...like I know that you turn to God, but what happens when you really are seeking and desiring humans? I know it sounds semi-crazy, normal people would be like, just call your friends.

1. I don't chill with that many of my friends in NC, partially because I go to school in Florida.

2. I don't have anyone outside of family in NJ and sometimes you just need a break from them.

My SG girls said to call them and also to really embrace God, like that it's hard, but once you allow your heart to get in a good spot with God, it helps. I also kinda learned that when I start to feel overwhelmed and need a break...music and nice weather help...getting out in nature.

So back to Mark 10:29-30. I was like struggling mentally...you know when females have this idea that what they have/had is the best they will ever get? I hate that. I hated feeling like I hit the top of the top even though I didn't feel like I had...idk if that makes sense...anyway, I'm thinking about how I had tried to give it up and couldn't quite do it--and then this scripture came along.

²⁹ " I assure you," Jesus said, "there is no one who has left house, brothers or sisters, mother or father, children, or fields because of Me and the gospel, ³⁰ who will not receive 100 times more, now at this time —houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions—and eternal life in the age to come.

Which kinda reminded me that what I'm giving up--I'll get back.

...or I will get something better, and by better I mean something meant especially for me. Take it how you want it...say that I'm misconstruing the words in the Bible to say what I want it to say, but this (in my eyes) is saying that if you give something up for the right reasons (ie. not doing it because you want something better, but giving it up because you truly feel that it will enhance your relationship with whatever deity you believe in) you will get it back or get something better for you.

Anyway, hope this fell upon the right eyes & ears.

Oh yeah--and holla at me on TWITTER if you haven't. lol.

twitter.com/beserious1

thoughts that come...

2009-04-29T17:13:00.003-04:00

Timeforsomething...raw.

I'm tired of being jealous of people.

It's not what I'm supposed to be anyway, and I get that...but that's not the point. I often find myself comparing myself to these random broads (some not so random) and I can't help but say geez, why can't I be more like her...and yeah that's "normal" to an extent...but not to my extent.

It's scary how uncomfortable I get with myself. It terrifies me that in a time where "self-discovery" is so pivotal and I want to be loved so bad that there is a slight chance that I haven't quite figured out how to love myself.

Like...where are the lessons on how to do that? There are all sorts of lists and spreadsheets about "letting stuff go" or "knowing the 'right' guy for you" or...whatever...but nothing on how to love yourself..because the first step is to know yourself and yet--I have no idea what I even like on my own. I'm truly a blank page that has been scribbled on by so many people that my own identity--my signature--somehow got caught in the mix. I'm scared to erase some of the things that they wrote for fear of losing the original signature.

...but sometimes I wonder if the point of all this is to [ e r a s e ] that whole page..and start over.

but how?

.love is waiting.

2009-04-29T15:19:00.003-04:00

"I'll give it time, give it space
and be still for a spell.
When it's time to walk that way
we wanna walk it well...
I'll be waiting for you baby..." --Love is Waiting (Brooke Fraser)

"Love is waiting til we're ready...til it's right." <-- I really like this song, it's amazing...cannot lie. In relation to this, two of my friends got engaged this week. How exciting!! It kinda sparked a lil jealousy in me for like, two secs...and then I was like when it's my time God will bring the right guy along--or bring the guy back when the time is right. =)

I'm so excited about my future...and I think it's cool to be able to say that because there are plenty of people who are lost and have no idea what they're going to do in regards to their day-to-day life. Life is good.

So today is such a peaceful day man...geez. It's awesome, foreal. I took my first exam in American Federal Government, I think I did okay...we'll see. I need an 82 to get a B in the class, so that's what I'm aiming for...hopefully that works in my favor. I had such an awful "semester" or whatever over the summer that dropped my GPA drastically...but that's not the point. Let's see what else new...

well, summer is upon us. this means that my 53 residents are checking out...so far 22 have left and it is kinda sad, but not too awful. what this also means (the whole summer thing) means that my birthday is coming...WHOOOOOOO...goodbye teen years. everyone always gives me this *look* when i say i'm only 19. idk.

fast forward once again...or should i say back it up? [elipsis] moving on.

I started seriously reading my bible today, I am excited about really, truly pursuing the relationship with God. Like, throughout this whole year I've been really active with trying to have the best possible relationship with God that I could, but today I chose to really sit down and read His word...so I'm starting with the book of Mark and I read the first 5 chapters...but what really stuck out to me was this from Mark 4:

²⁴ Then he added, “Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given—and you will receive even more. ²⁵ To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them.”

So why did this matter so much to me? Okay well when I prayed before reading I was like, God I really want to get closer to you and really feel your presence within me at all times, you know? (I'm really cool with God...lol...He's my homie) ANYWAY--I was just reading and that part struck me because it showed me the importance of dedication. The closer you listen the more understanding you will be give and you will receive more. Like...how crazy good is that?! Idk, it made me really excited reading that, knowing that going after Him will really being it to me if I just listen.

It made me think how much more we would get if we just opened our ears to hear what people say to us. I mean, relating this to our day to day life, obviously if you listen to what's being said, what's being taught to you---heck if you just listen to what people around you say, observe actively, you get SO much out of it sometimes.

but those are my thoughts for the second.
geez...I'm so ready for this summer!

.slow down.

2009-04-25T21:22:00.002-04:00

"...and why do we always confuse love and lust when they are not one in the same?
see they just share the same frame, like pastel colors in claude monet's art,
and make the same impression--on your heart,
til you step back and it's hard to tell 'em apart."

[from "love is not a lyric" :: found here]

"love is loyal when life is mundane."

that's another line from the poem, I think that's a great poem that I got to hear live...it made me think about what we see to be love. Love is not some feel good thing. It hit me today what married life is like. Everyone has this image of love being this amazing wonderful feeling and that's not what it's like--sadly. I believe that love is an amazing thing, but I feel like so many people get so caught up in the feeling in the honeymoon period where everything is perfect, but what happens when it's just everyday life, you know?

It hit me today while laying in bed with my best friend/ex/significant other I suppose...lol...we were just laying there talking. I didn't want to get up, he needed to go to church, I needed to get back to my room on campus and he was holding me and then it hit me that this is what life is like. This could possibly be what my weekends are like when I get married, I mean, it'd be different but sitting there I thought back to my parents and my grandparents and realized that this is what comes after the honeymoon, after the amazing time that we call the engagement, after the butterflies. Will your love last when life is mundane? What happens when you know so much about your other person that it's almost...boring? How scary is that...to love someone that you no longer find entertaining? It hit me, married life is that comfortable stage...and I had to stop and think if this is what I wanted with him.

Yes--we discussed this. He knows how I feel, this is not a lowkey diss on him like oh he doesn't know that I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, we're open like that.

Which brings me to another thing. How open should you be with your man? Or your woman...I mean I think about these things and it trips me out. We're supposed to be seemingly transparent with the people we love, so why is it that we aren't honest with the people that we love? "Because it'll hurt them," but if they love you, won't they love you through all that? Think about your parents. They love you after all the dumb stuff you do. Sheesh. Mine do...and I did some duuuuumb stuff--but that's neither here nor there. Those are my musings.

In other news, I made eye contact with Lupe Fiasco for a whole verse on his joint "I Gotcha" when he performed at my school...AND when he took his shirt off, he was about to throw it to the crowd, and then looked for me and tossed/gave it to me.

Let me tell you. If that didn't make me feel like the most special person in that concert...I don't know what would. If you want to see vid of his performace at my school go to youtube.com and search my username (aarnold89) the best performance was "Superstar" hands down.

Here's a pic of me with the shirt. :)

peace.love.music.

.you'll come.

2009-04-21T13:20:00.002-04:00

I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore and I hate you for making me want you so much.

So those are two quotes that I loved from Twilight...among a few other things, no they weren't one statement but I feel like they can totally go together as one big blob. I was on facebook today (find me if we aren't friends...lol, Ashley Michelle) I ran across one of my old friends. Her name is Megan. Se's been in a homosexual relationship for like...a year now I think?? Idk. Something close to it. I found a note on her page called finish the sentences...

it broke my heart.

In the note she had a couple sentences that really got to me one was "Maybe I should...call some of my old friends." "I lost...my tka friends."

The last two really cut me though:
19. My soulmate...is beautiful and wonderful. i hope you will one day see that.
20. My life...would be perfect if my old friends still talked to me.

It hit me that all her friends in her sorority and maybe people in her family had straight up abandoned her because of her choice to have a girlfriend. That's sad. And maybe I'm wrong (geez I hope I am) but it seems that I'm not and it struck me, why does it matter so much to everyone else who we fall in love with? So what if MY husband doesn't fall into YOUR standard--that's why I'm marrying him. Since when did we turn our backs on the people that we love because they do something that we don't like when it has no effect on us? It scared me a little. I wonder how many real friends we actually have that accept us for who we truly are...I wonder how many of us have put on a facade for the sake of our friends for so long that we have lost who we truly are...I wonder how long it will take people to figure out that wearing a disguise kills your soul.

I AM BLESSED to have the friends that I do have. The people I consider my friends I can count on my hand, because I know that if I don't feel comfortable telling you what's going on in my life--you aren't my real friend. Real friendship involves TRUST and I may like you but that doesn't mean I trust you.

So this one goes out to my real friends--I hope you know who you are.

=)

Oxygen...

2009-04-15T21:16:00.002-04:00

"Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines"
--"Between the Lines" Sara Bareilles

So...finally--all my relationship stuff is resolved. Hallelujah. Amen. Praise Him. Boy oh boy am I blessed to have had an amazing man in my life as my lover that will continue to be in my life as my best friend, God willing.

Moving on...

Today I was having a conversation with a friend, and it hit me that she had a problem that a lot of females face. This issue of beginning with the end in mind. Now I remember back in the day there was a book about the secrets of highly successful teens or something like that, and one of the main topics was begin with the end in mind...this has NOTHING to do with relationships.

One of the most unhealthy things to do in a relationship is to go into it expecting it to end. That's like living your life everyday planning for your funeral. Who does that? Nobody that I know, we live our lives desiring to enjoy it, so why should we look at our relationships differently.

Honestly, a lot of our relationships in high school/college don't last, but in our first relationship we don't go in saying this is going to end with my heart on the ground, trampled on--it happens with time.

Anyway--ladies, it's time to get ourselves OUT of this habit. Everytime you start looking at your relationship in a negative light, re-evaluate why you're in it to begin with, why are you so unhappy? Get to the ROOT of the issue. Is it your lack of trust? Is it your fear of long term committment? Is it just your fear of failure? Seriously, because when we do this, all it does is hurt US.

Today, tell yourself that you'll get to the ROOT of the issue and that you won't hold yourself back due to fear of what will come, because we can't tell the future. All we can do is live one day at a time, love with all our hearts, and be honest with ourselves at all times.

Feedback? Holla at me.

=)

my only desire right now...

2009-04-10T14:52:00.002-04:00

...is to finally let go.

(I'm starting to like one sentence posts) -- lol, but I don't think it's adequate to just say one line and leave it at that sometimes, but I'm tired.

I'm tired of...

wishing I was her.
school.
trying to be "strong"
not doing it right.
not doing enough.
not satisfying you.
building up my wall.
constantly being disappointed.
everything about this place.

I'm just tired.
I need something to keep me busy, to keep my mind moving--I just need something tangible, is that too much to ask?

http://www.goldinuniverse.com

2009-04-08T14:17:00.002-04:00

sooooo...I went there to take this color/personality test thing...took like 10 secs...and it had me down to a freaking T. SCAAAAAAAAAARY.

but cool...lol.

anyway...this is me...according to them (http://www.goldinuniverse.com) I put in bold the stuff that REALLY fits (or the main parts that just really caught me)

You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.

Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality.

Yeah, so basically it's all highlighted. LOL...they got me goooooood. Wowzers.

thoughts...

2009-04-05T05:52:00.005-04:00

"didn't mean to ruin your night."

this will never work.
why did we even start.
now I feel like I don't want you around.
I wish I just kept saying 'No'

because if I had I wouldn't be dealing with this.

because if I had I wouldn't be so sick and tired of you.

because if I had--maybe, just maybe--things would have fallen into place differently.

but I did say 'Yes'
and now things are damaged beyond return.

and I just don't believe they will ever be fixed.
and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I even want it fixed.
because you keep rearing your ugly head to show that
"you're a man." and its irking my nerves. really.
because if that's how you determine that you're a man

maybe you weren't up to par anyway.

or maybe this whole thing is "just a phase"
and I'm overreacting, but now I just don't care.

because you're looking more like Mr. Mills everyday
and I know what he's like...and I know I don't want that.
because he wasn't a man.

looks like you won't be either.

....don't blow my high

2009-04-05T00:59:00.001-04:00

I'm burning it all
rolling it up in a blunt
and sucking it up
til it gets me high.

because I'm tired of this constant low with you.

So I'm burning it all
putting all the emotions
hugs and kisses
sweet nothings
and passion
in a tight little tube
with the rest of my memories of you
and sealing it with my tounge
and letting the fire lick the tip
and watching it burn.
letting that toxic burn down my throat
warming my body and taking me to another world.

a world where this never happened.
a world where certain boundaries are never crossed.
where people are fine with their status at all times.
a world where my body isn't criticized.
a world where everything isn't so confusing.
a world where I can be at peace...so...

don't blow my high.
I'm burning this all up tonight.
trying to reach a new height
feeling myself in a new way
getting to the point where I can
hear colors and see sounds
and it all feels so natural now...
to burn it all up.

please don't blow my high.

How Does It Feel

2009-03-30T23:59:00.005-04:00

so...it occurred to me that I need to write a poem.

so I did. enjoy.
=)

*love-ish poems maaaaaaan...read along. *

Curiosity came and knocked me out in the form of
taunt toned sun-kissed skin holding a cup of coffee or cappuccino or some other caffeinated beverage as he studied
and then our eyes met and I was lost in his
blue sapphires and I could feel the rumblings in my stomach and
wondered silently if he could see my interest
peak in my brown pools of chocolate when I mustered up the confidence to walk over and say
"hello."
my words were tossed and confused
like the ocean hitting the rocks
I asked his name and then seemed to forget how to hold a conversation
as his smile disarmed me in ways that I didn't know were possible.
his breathing was calm like the storm that was soon to come when he opened his mouth and spoke and shook my entire foundation with a voice smooth as the skin upon his cheek.
I was floored to say the least.
he said his name was "thomas" and asked for mine.
and as I obliged my heart
skipped a beat at the concept of something new.
he was like a young Robin Thicke
and I would be perfectly content as his Paula Patton
sharing sweet nothings on camera for all the world to see
not confined to be his little secret behind closed doors.
not looked at as a stain on his porcelain colored arms
and he wouldn't call me his african queen or a nubian princess
but would be content with just calling me his.
we exchanged cute words where he fed me sweet compliments
and not once did he mention the color of my skin, but could only find one word to describe me and that was: beautiful
his words oozed like warm honey and cooled on my skin,
sticking to me in ways that won't be cleaned off by just soapy water.
and when our hands touched
it was like ecstasy for my fingertips
and they were screamed for more as we parted ways
just one more touch, his hands to my face
which could lead to his hands on my waist
which could lead to our first kiss...
and days like today I remember the concept of butterflies
that feeling that so many take for granted
that rush of anticipation and those late night calls
that school girl crush that leaves you with the
biggest smile on your face as you sit for
hours at a time on the phone talking
about everything and who cares that it's irrelevant,
you'll say anything just so you can hear his voice and make him laugh and know that at that very moment...nothing in his world is more important than you.
nothing in this galaxy can make him smile or cause him to feel the joy that you do.

Make Love

2009-03-30T09:57:00.002-04:00

heehee...just listening to the intro to this Keri Hilson song makes me smile...and someone tell me why I'm kinda getting teary-eyed over here! lol...hot mess...btw, the album is niiiiiiice. Happy I made the effort to...download it. lol.

So I was talking to one of my friends at Hampton University (Jazzzzzzy : http://jaynicole89.blogspot.com/) about love stuff on her blog...and then we were chatting it up on facebook lol, and we started talking about guys and it hit me how much I don't like being single. HA.

I mean, don't get me wrong--I know I need this time for me and I am happy in general, but I miss companionship. How many people feel me? Like...you know you need this time to yourself...but at the same time you really miss having someone by your side. I'm not even dating around to see what's out there because (truth be told) a lot of these guys just don't do it for me...nothing against them but I have high standards (maybe too high for my own good--but if I gotta be single for awhile before I get the man I want, it's worth it...) and I've found that I've met some great guys that fit my personality requirement, but I'm not attracted to them...so then what? People be riding on me like "looks ain't everything" and I get that, but what REALLY gets you to notice someone as a potential "mate"--LOOKS.

Do not deny this fact. The first thing you see is the person, and if you are attracted to them, you might take the effort to get to know them better.

Anyway...I've found that the guys I'm physically attracted to are, to put it simply, up to no good. *shrug* so they need to grow up and get their priorities straight because I won't drop my personality and standards for the sake of fly man...and I apologize, but if I'm not attracted to you physically, I probably won't take the time to completely consider a relationship. Am I wrong for that? Maybe...but life goes on...maybe I'll be single forever, I doubt it--but if I am, I mean...it happens. lol.

Oh well...there are my mini musings for the moment.

perfect love...

2009-03-28T19:28:00.002-04:00

this is not what perfect love feels like.

I have been waiting for quite awhile to hear from you and right now the pain in my stomach has moved to be a cracking in my ribs and my heart has officially broken from you.

[been super dramatic because truth be told, waiting to hear from someone because you're supposed to go out to eat dinner is kinda foolish...I'm pretty sure I'm more mad at the fact that they are m.i.a. not just in regards to food, but also in regards to phone call & text message. therefore I let out my frustration in my blog]

ULTIMATE MEANING.

Perfect Love Has COMMUNICATION.

10 10 Keep It Moving

2009-03-28T08:49:00.003-04:00

"and I'm not talking bout sex
but it's gonna be the best
feeling that you ever felt
it's love...
talking bout watching the sunrise
in your eyes
when you finally realize
you're in love."

well, it's an Saturday morning. I had an interesting Friday, a loooooong conversation. Made me think about all the past hurts. In the convo the guy had been like, do you know how it feels to be put on hold?

yeah. I do.

It brought back all the days of middle school and high school, having little crushes on guys, and having them come at me...to get my friends numbers. It brought me back to my freshman year of college where I swore it was gonna be me and him but it wasn't that way in his head...and he played me like a toy. I was so sure...and then come to find out later that he's talking to my friend--and then she lied about it. Wow...like, I'm over it now--but having these things come back to me...it's crazy. The feeling of having a dream or a fantasy where someone is with you and then for them to look at you and play along and then just be like...SYYYYYKE...GOTCHA! I mean, I hate the fact that pain is so prevalent today. I made a choice a while ago to never, ever put someone on hold romantically.

I would never tell someone to wait on me. I have faith that if it's supposed to work out it will, which seems to be a crazy concept for some. I mean I understand like, waiting for something you really want, but I don't think it's fair to stop someone else's progress for the fact that you can't see yourself with someone else. If you can't see yourself with someone else and you aren't willing to take a chance on things NOT being the way you want, don't tell someone "hey--wait around for me, I'm not ready for it--but when I am, it's gonna be you...so you shouldn't talk to anybody else..." I mean...selfish much?

Taking it back to that guy that started messing around with my friend...well they broke up last year, and then at the beginning of the school year he and I started chilling again (like, just as friends...by this point in time he and I and the girl and I had reconciled) and he starts flirting a bit...*sigh*...whatever. See my problem is that I waited on this guy, even though I was talking to other guys, had he came to me I would have taken him up on it--and then it FINALLY hit me that this dude is NOT gonna change. SOOOOO we had been flirting and then I finally got the nerve to ask him why I wasn't enough...and he gave me his response and I don't remember it anymore, but that's not the point. Oh well...things just weren't meant to be--at all--but you couldn't tell me that before.

Which brings me back to these past few months where I found myself saying that what I had was something that was meant to be--so now I had to go back and think about the last time I said that and remember that we are always looking and sure that this one will be the right one, but I have to remind myself that the right one might not come on my time but he'll be there when God says it's the right time.

Leave It All Behind...

2009-03-25T20:00:00.005-04:00

Is it possible to have a second chance at something that you thought was out of reach at the beginning. I've begun to think about a lot of things that I've never considered before. I was always the chick that, once out of a relationship, I would tend to dwell on it--if not publicly, at least in my quiet time--but now I have learned of the beauty of letting it all go.

It's crazy how doors open--anyway, I wrote a poem, I'm "performing" it on this video and a copy of it written out is at the bottom...leave love, criticism, hate--whatever...just know it isn't the finished product.

It's amazing how things happen at whatever time they happen. It's crazy the people you will find yourself surrounded by at any given time...and right now I'm surrounded by some amazing people and I can't help but let my mind wander occasionally to what the future has in store for me. It's crazy how my mind plays out these lil stories of what could be...it's too much to handle sometimes to see your smile--because it makes my heart kinda quiver. It's scary too, because I know I'm not ready for anything like this. I know that mentally I think I can do this and physically I know I can do this..but I'm not sure that my emotional side is quite up to what you're offering me. So I'll keep my distance until my heart and my head are ready for a plunge like that, because right now--my confidence ain't where it needs to be to dive head first into the deep end in the pool of your eyes...so I choose instead to tread water and when I think I'm in too deep I steadily try to work my way to the shallow end where all the kiddies are dashing my eyes left and right to avoid the inevitable connection that we share...to be cont.

2009-03-25T16:53:00.004-04:00

Soooo...I didn't want to type...so I made a video. lol...hope you enjoy it if you watch it and leave feedback on what I asked. =)

Study mode is officially ON.

we were fiiiiiiiiiiiiiive steps...

2009-03-24T11:18:00.002-04:00

okay okay...this is going to be my last hair post with pics until I have some significant growth...now I don't have any hair products, so when I was trying to figure out how to do my hair last night I was a bit worried...but, it came out nice today. I made a fotki.com account for my hair...lol, so check that out sometimes too if you're curious about my hair's progress, click here =)

Lust for Life...

2009-03-23T22:41:00.003-04:00

All you need in life is a co-pilot...and the rest are just passengers...♥

...I read that on my "brother's" girlfriend's facebook...and I liked it--but that isn't the point of this blog post!!

sooooooooo...I FREAKING DID IT!!! WHOOOOOOOO!! I cut my hair!! It's GONE! lol...and I got my stuff back from my ex and gave him his stuff back, and there are no bad feelings, and Casaundra is still here and I got two papers done today--got like...5 or 6 to do...somewhere around there...but still lol...MY HAIR IS GONE! lol. Well...not all of it. Nothing else is new, I just had to say I got it done and post pics!

*eeeeeee* <-- excited squeal.

BEFORE:

annnnnd....the AFTER!!!!

Soooo...that's the new look! Leave feedback lovessss!

Below the Heavens...

2009-03-22T16:19:00.002-04:00

so I have no song...I just have my raw emotions and the fact that I'm human and that other people in this world exist that don't know how I feel, or that don't know me at all...and there are certain things that just...effect me.

I hate reading things or seeing things that remind me of my past--any aspect of it that is particularly unpleasant to me. So of course that means I ran across something that someone else wrote that made me *ding* think of someone I didn't want to think of and I got pissed...and hurt...but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Sooooo yeah...moving on.

I received some advice that I shouldn't keep my blog private...and I think I might end up following that advice, so thank you Miss (or Mister) Anonymous. =)

My best friend is here and it is the best thing possible. I have laughed more in the past 18.5 hours than I have in a long time...which reminds me of how much it's going to SUCK when she leaves...but for now, I'm relishing the fact that she is still here. I take for granted how amazing it is to have someone of the same sex that is actually looking out for my best interest at all times. I mean, everyone says they have close friends, but maybe you don't tell them everything. I tell this girl...everything...and honestly that has the potential to "go bad" but that's the joy in having a friend that goes to school in another state...there isn't really much she could do to ruin me (not that she would) and it's the same way with me to her--I can't do much...if we were to get into an argument of some sort, we would just have to part ways. I wouldn't be forced to see her face everyday or have her name pop up in conversation all the time because people know her and I wouldn't have to bite my lip in frustration when I see something that could pertain to her...

wow.

off track and thinking about what happened again. uggggh...anyway--aside from that, life is pretty good. I'm getting closer and closer to my cut-off day...I already have things in my head as far as what I'll need to get once it's all done. My main list so far is eye makeup and big earrings...call me crazy but that's what I keep envisioning...lol...me with some banging eye makeup on and some big earrings and a simple outfit. *silently muses on it*

I gotta do some work.

crap. I am SO far behind. *sigh*

Something's Missing...

2009-03-20T07:54:00.002-04:00

First of all...
I hate iTunes shuffle...because these blog entry titles...
*dramatic eye roll*

I just HAD to say...it's interesting how things work out. It's even more interesting the things you see that make you think. In the past 24 hours, actually the past like...20 mins...lol...I've really woken up. I finished my fight and then I saw something and then it was like...yup...everything will be a-okay.

and [to answer this question] for myself...I don't.

blah blah blah...Cassie will be here tomorrow. I'm too thrilled...and Friday Night Fire is tonight and I was almost about to make this one of those blogs that I tell people about, and then I realize that this is pretty freaking personal as far as the subject matter goes...which doesn't make it bad...but I'd like to wait a bit before actually doing that...besides the people that need to read it are reading it.

Done with sadness.
Onto my happiness.

Smiling a bit smaller right now...but it's so genuine that it makes up for it!

the sweet sound of silence

2009-03-19T15:50:00.001-04:00

...and now it's time to wrestle with God.

Butterfly

2009-03-19T12:07:00.003-04:00

“fairytales come and take my hand
turn the page and help me understand
maybe i’ll fall in love again
if i know how the story ends…”

this is bad.
this is very very bad.

am I the only one who has ever really wanted to ask God to just come down to earth so you could have a one-on-one? I mean, I know I'm not the only one, but times like these I just want a freaking cellphone to ring and for the first words to be from Jesus...and if I could ask Him one question...I won't ask what my purpose is...I won't ask him what I will do with my life...I won't ask anything that even really is all about me...my only question is going to be...

"When will it be the right time?"

God--hear my plea, right now. I am begging for you to come in and fix this broken heart. Fix this troubled soul. Make me better. I am tired of this helpless feeling that seems to just ooze through me. I'm tired of the failures...one upon another upon another...Lord, why can't I get it right? WHY? And I'm not even talking about [him] I'm talking about EVERYTHING. My job. My school work. My family. My car. My "friends." My friends. My money. My clothing. My body.

Why isn't anything ever enough.

This is me having a minor breakdown.
and maybe I shouldn't be putting this up here...
but times like this, i don't care.

All I want is to feel arms around me telling me that everything is going to be okay and reassure me that all my words of "it will all be worth it in the end" are not in vain. And I know they aren't but I need someone...and I don't know who that someone is...but I need someone to swoop in and save the day...save my life. I know Jesus did it...but I need someone here on this earth. Something tangible. And I don't mean a boyfriend and I don't mean a husband...but I just need something...something to make it all real.

Dear God,
This is my prayer. Please fix it all. Lord I need you to be with K, D, J, C, A...and everyone else that helps me and that I've helped. But God...I need a sign or something...because I'm tired of crying...and I'm tired of trying to fill my time...I just want to be made better. I love you Lord...and I'm crying out to you. Please do this for me because I feel like I've given it all up for you and I'm not saying you aren't real, I'm just saying I need some comfort...please.

Absolutely Zero

2009-03-18T10:37:00.003-04:00

"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time"

Uggh...why does being strong suck so much? It hurts...and as I was thinking about it, I realized that being strong, in many ways, is just like working out.

[pause] "morning" by Blu just came on...and....the part that I heard was directly what he said...and...my heart couldn't take it. [resume]

Being strong--you have to work out to get strong...and it hurts! I mean, if you're working out and you feel no pain, then you really aren't doing anything...you're not going to see any change until you really put forth an effort. So maybe the pain I feel is actually good. So, listening to John Mayer and Jason Mraz...they hit it right where is hurts...especially with Mayer's song "Split Screen Sadness" iTunes shuffle just doesn't like me much...lol...but, now it's playing India.Arie, so it's a bit better...moving on...

three days until my best friend is here.
ten days til my hair is gone.

...I can't wait. I'm soooooo freaking excited!!! This is such a huge thing...I told my mom and she was like, "I knew it was going to happen eventually..." and then she was encouraging me, just like, it'll look fine on you, blah blah blah...all that stuff, btw, my mom had breast cancer so all her hair fell out due to chemotherapy and then she went natural (of course) and her hair is gorgeeeous...even though I know my hair will be a different texture than hers I think posting pictures would be appropriate.

But to end on a positive note...besides my mom and I...lol...here's what I got

"The rules remain a mystery. See it was so easy.
Who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It's our time to make the most of it."

*rides out to "Lettin' Go" by Janelle Monae--I SEE YOU iTunes shuffle!!! lol*

Love is Waiting...

2009-03-17T08:56:00.002-04:00

"Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."

I find it comical that that's the name of the song playing...lol...good ol' Brooke Fraser. =)

Anyway...yesterday was an amazing day...just full of laughs and happiness and new people...made 5 new friends...and yes, I do get excited when I meet new people--I love people. Today...just started wrong. I have no idea why, maybe because before I went to sleep, I couldn't help but go through all my profile pictures on facebook (stupid, stupid Ashley...geez) but I went to sleep and was unhappy--woke up today unhappy. I wanted to go for a run, but my car has my sneakers in it...at least the ones I'd run in...and I was far too lazy to go do that...so a run wasn't going to happen. LOL...but I feel a bit better now. I need to get some papers and stuff done. 6 weeks and then I'm out of here...and that's CRAZY to me. Man...after Spring Break everything just slaps you in the face because you have all these tests and stuff...sheesh--it's crazy times.

In other news...still waiting for Casaundra and Stephanie to get here. Cassie...once she gets here it's going to be CRAZY...and I cannot wait. However it reminds me that I desperately need to clean my room, which I am not looking forward to--but it will get done.

Anyway, on Twitter and I'm following like...40 people...and one of the tweets caught my eye...it was Jean Grae, and she said:

Today.. Dream big..kick ass.. be YOU...be a BETTER YOU. Get rest, be silly, be sexy, be funny, be prolific. ALL FUCKING DAY. I'M FUCKING IN!

Now...I'm not into the cussing (lol) but it smacked me...and said what I needed to hear...and what I needed to see. To be a BETTER me...and that's what I'm going for. So smiles and sunshine all day--no matter what happens.

Some Comic Relief...

2009-03-16T10:17:00.003-04:00

Things have been so heavy recently...lol...I got a nice little giggle from this...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.....'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. [LMAO!!]
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, Let’s go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[preach]

In other news...the BC *Big Chop/Cut* is coming sooooooon...I'm excited and scared all at the same time.

thoughts on you...

2009-03-15T11:43:00.002-04:00

short, sweet, to the point:

It's amazing how when God really needs you to go through a process in order to glorify Him, He strips you of everything & everyone that's hindering you from doing so..

No more of anything...it's time to close that chapter and open my eyes to the better one that lay ahead. This is my final post about you until God sees fit for something to change...but giving it to Him means letting go--completely.

...and suddenly I can feel a smile forming...and even though your words are full of hate and anger, I step back and realize that's just you retaliating...and this is me no longer caring because your words will no longer be heard. It makes me think about what love actually is.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

...yet somehow I know your "love" for me ran out...which lets me know it wasn't the love I thought it was.

goodbye "love"
hello LOVE.

Plane

2009-03-15T00:04:00.002-04:00

"Oh maybe I'll build my house on your cloud
Here I'm tumbling for you
Stumbling through the work that I have to do"

Those lyrics are from "Plane" by Jason Mraz...and I don't know what he was talking about, but it made me think of all the work I need to do on myself...how it all seems to be trial and error...how so many decisions I've made haven't necessarily been for me, but for others benefits...or at least so that the most people would be satisfied...but yeah. That's my random-ish thought. I'm living on a cloud...

moving on...

I am eternally grateful for my friends.

The ones that listen to me ramble and somehow find a way to sift through the BS parts to get to the real issue...asking the right question that causes me to look off into the distance and really get into my brain and question the logic of my decision.

So now that all my anger is basically gone--I've had a chance to stop and look at things from a more level headed perspective, and I have to say that I'm still okay with the decision I made...and I'm happy with the course that my life is about to take...even though I know it will be difficult.

ANYWAY--thank you D, thank you C, thank you J. Thank you so much more than you'll ever know.

"I've put myself in so many chaotic circumstances.
By the grace of God
I've been given so many second chances.
But today I've decided to let it all go.
I'm dropping these bags,
I'm making room for my joy.
And I choose, to be the best that I can be.
I choose, yo be authentic in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am.
I choose."

Yeah--that's how I'm feeling. Today--officially on Sunday, March 15th 2009 at 12:11 am, I am choosing to do it right, and while I may not always get it right...at least I'll know I did the make the best decision for me.

WOOOOO...talk about a weight lifted off the shoulders and a little bit of piece...just what I needed before I lay my head down to sleep.

The Little Things

2009-03-14T14:24:00.003-04:00

"And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished"

please excuse my decision to make this post o'so dramatic...and now back to the blog.

Life is so interesting. It's crazy how just 2 weeks prior everything will seem to be perfect, and then there it all lay--shattered on the floor and you're sitting there looking at it like...what just happened?

Yep, that's how I'm feeling right about now.

*sigh* I mean, it all happens. Everything is crashing, but not really. There are just certain aspects of my life that are absolutely at the worst point that they could be at.

Mostly my love life.
Soooo, my o'so fabulous boyfriend/best friend are no longer together, and that's been about the way it's been for about a month, however we were still friends among other things. [pause] and now we aren't even friends...let me let that sink in.

we aren't even friends.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about this. My brain just isn't comprehending any of this right now, but it will have to eventually. How the hell do you go from being best friends to not friends at all? Well...first you break up, then you get "back together" without being together, then you break up and come to terms that you two probably shouldn't talk anymore--at all...then he needs to posts up a song that in essence says he wishes he never met you...and then you finally say you give up and give it to God--which is what you've supposedly been doing all along. YES MY FRIENDS, that's how it's done, in case you would like to do it.

Anyway...as far as other things in my life, eh, they're okay. I get to see my best friend in a week! All the way from Ohio...thank God...I need some distractions...so many things are about to be happening and I just have to be ready to let certain things go...and the hardest one to let go was him...and since I chose to fight and not let go when I was supposed to...it all went sour. However, I know that life will get better...

"It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to MAKE a mountain"

Life gets better. Life goes on...and most importantly

I WILL BE OKAY.

Belief...

2009-03-06T09:41:00.003-05:00

"You see someone gotta lose
I thought I could have it all
Do I really gotta choose?"

Well...so much for that date on Thursday night...lol...it's really hitting me that he just might hate me eventually--but I'm willing to deal with that. Everything happens for a reason...yeah, yeah, yea...doesn't make it feel any better. So this post is dedicated to anyone who ever had to let go of something that they didn't want to let go of. This post is for anyone who ever took the advice of others thinking that it could apply to their situation, but who later realized that THEIR situation wasn't YOUR situation...this is for anybody who ever looked at something they were in and ever questioned if what they were going to do was the right thing to do.

This is me having faith that what I want, isn't what is best for me.
This is me letting go of something that I love.
This is me taking a chance that what I'm letting go, I might not get back.

and this is me believing that what I'm doing is going to end up good.

I chose to make a decision after getting a lot of advice because I turned to the Bible...and it was pretty clear on what I was supposed to do. I hate reading something that challenges everything that you wanted to do. I realize that you can make the Bible say anything you want it to say. If you want to stay with someone, you look up the verse that says don't abandon someone, people can manipulate the words to mean whatever they want it to mean at the time...but this time the words given to me didn't support what I wanted...and I'm slowly but surely accepting it and letting God's joy just take over in all aspects of the phrase.

This is me...letting go and letting God have control.

(oh...and the verse that got me...Matthew 18:8-9, take it how you want it.)

the storm is over now...

2009-03-02T14:36:00.003-05:00

"And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful"

Man if there is any bit of a song in the world that describes how I feel right now, this is it. Sheesh...so much has happened and in such a short amount of time. First, my best friend that I have not seen in two years that goes to school in Ohio is now coming to Gainesville for her spring break for the entire break and one of our mutual friends that is also in Ohio is coming down so we're all going to hang out, and then two of my new guy friends that my bestie introduced me to might be in Orlando, so we'll probably roadtrip out there. The bad thing for this week is 3 exams. I took one today, I have one tomorrow and one Wednesday...I will get through this week, then on Thursday, Kevin and I have our first legitimate date...technically--what...10 months in? officially 3 months in almost...geez we're behind on the times. lol.

It seems that everything is really falling in place and this month, March of 2009, is the beginning of my real season..and it's crazy. I feel that everyday is going to bring something new and amazing and I am beyond ready and beyond excited for it.

Life is wonderful.

How long have I waited to say that phrase and really mean it? I've waited so long for it and to now have that be how I feel is one of the best feelings in the world. What really did it for me was church last night when for the third time someone spoke to me about my future...and it wouldn't have been as HUGE to me had it not been them all saying the same thing...but different aspects of it. I am scared and nervous but full of anticipation for what God has in store for me...it can only get better from here.

♥

dreamworld...

2009-02-26T15:47:00.002-05:00

"Why do people smile when no one’s smiling?

Its cause their thinking of someone they’re loving

Keep on believing we are meant to be and

Nothing’s stopping you and me from going to heaven."

So I'm taking a break from writing those reaction paper things...but I have 19 left...which means I've written 12...my friend put me on to the title song for the blog. Personally I love working to mellow music, and this song certainly qualifies. It's by Robin Thicke who just happens to be my Caucasian lover...right up there with Justin Timberlake, lol.

This will not be a love post.

Reading that line made me think back to middle school..."why do people smile when no one's smiling" In the 8th grade there was a girl and her name was...Sylvia I think...or something. She was kinda fat, dark brown clear skin, really nice weave, and a few crooked teeth...(I'm more of a face person than a name person) and she came up to me one day...real rude...

"Why you smile so much?! You come here everyday smiling and looking happy! You must be hiding something or doing drugs because nobody is ever happy as you are all the time."

...and that was so funny to me. I mean, c'mon! We were in the 8th grade! What kind of worries could I have really had? Mind you, I did have a lot of worries, many of them were genuine, but they were never worries about my own life...only about the lives of my friends because THEY had some issues. My life was pretty carefree and happy...and there are days when I wish that my time here in college would be the same way.

I know it won't be that way, but it's a wish...that's how it would be in my dreamworld (if I had to go to college in my dreamworld--negative.) I always wonder why things got so complicated in college for everyone. All of a sudden people are worrying so much about other people's opinions that they miss the point as to why they're even in college. Personally I came to the University of Florida to...

get away from my parents...
...while still getting in-state tuition.
get the degree I want from an amazing school
hopefully make some new ties

now has that happened? Well...yeah. I'm in Florida, my parents are in North Carolina, I'm still getting in-state tuition, I'm still taking classes and passing (though this semester sure has been crazy) and I'm making some new friends...breaking off a lot of ties...but maintaining some of them. Yet somehow other goals got caught up in the mix...some good (get an internship, get a ~~boyfriend~~ husband...I'm tired of boyfriends...psssh, get in shape, etc.) and some that aren't necessarily BAD, but they aren't in my best interest. Things like wanting to impress other people to the point where I got lost...and I'm not saying that I'm weak, but I know that wasn't a strong move.

"In person I am everything and more

I'm everywhere these other niggas never been before

But inside I'm treadin waters steady tryin to swim ashore"

I guess that line describes my freshman year experience at UF...I almost drowned and lost myself and things just...fell apart...but I bounced back, and that's the important part. I almost left the school...I almost did a lot of things, but it didn't happen that way. There was a bigger plan, but after a summer of separation, I made a choice to live for me and Him.

Best decision of my life.

Life may not be perfect, but it surely is a lot better than it was then. Looking back a year from where I am today, I never would have thought I'd make it this far. I was so alone, in a bad relationship, and just...not where I needed to be. At all *stops musing to self* it happens. We get off track, but it's never too late to get back where you need to be.

On the path that leads you to your dreamworld...

[oooh...I'm so corny...and I don't even care. lol]

lovelove.

♥

broken sorrow...

2009-02-25T12:34:00.003-05:00

"So go ahead and make it rain
You bring the sunshine back again
So go ahead and make it rain
Your tender touches wash away my rain"

So, just an fyi...most of the time the blog title might have nothing to do with the actual blog. Generally the title is just whatever song is playing at first. This song, called "Broken Sorrow" by Nuttin' But Stringz is really good...now the song lyrics that I post inside the blog generally are related and sometimes are from the song, but most times aren't.

I have the biggest smile on my face. I was talking to my ex...or whatever I consider him and we had a loooooong conversation on AIM...being that we're best friends it's nice to have someone like that who's close to me. Eventually we got back on the topic of "us" and he said something that caught me by my heart strings...

...and some chick asked me what I was looking for in a girl once, and I just said your name, and that scared me. It was a shock and also a happy realization.

Talk about crazy right? Okay--maybe not crazy but it definitely made me think. So as we're discussing this we decide that maybe we shouldn't worry about titles and just let it happen. If we're meant to be together, we will be...and if not, it's been amazing having him as a friend and hopefully the friendship will continue to flourish.

However one thing that I have to remind myself is this: the logic of the heart is absurd. My heart is wonderful, it loves EVERYONE, believes in giving people 50 million chances and refuses to understand statements like, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them," especially if what they're showing isn't something quality. My heart doesn't look out for my best interest and I often have to get it in check because if I only followed my heart and didn't pray and logically think things out, my life would be very different.

Some people thing that you will feel unfulfilled if you don't follow your heart, and to an extent that's true...if you have a passion for a certain art, of course pursue it--but weigh the costs. I don't know, for me, music has always been a passion. I love to sing, but my logic pulls me away from seriously pursuing it. I have plenty of friends who are amazing and have incredible gifts in terms of music...however for ME, it just isn't something I can go for. Chalk it as a loss, maybe I would be "happier" if I went for it, but I'm at a point where I don't doubt that there is a plan for me and that if it involves music, it'll work its way in there.

Oh well, that's what happens when you can't tell the future. You kinda just go with the flow of it, stay on the path that you feel is best for you--mine is (hopefully) as close to the plan that God has laid out for me--and go with it.

lovelove.

always in my head...

2009-02-24T11:08:00.002-05:00

"But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key
But he means the world to me"

So this morning, as my ex-boyfriend/bestfriend left my room, after a long almost fight over the internet, he posted something on my wall that a friend of ours wrote to his girlfriend. In this poem, a man I'll just call V (anyone reading this that knows the couple will be like, hmm...THAT'S discreet...not. lol) started off with an amazing stanza...

She has no idea
That we share the same fears
When months turn to years
That our dreams will become tears
Pushed to the rear
Because of childish ideas
Of "love and happiness"

...and the poem continued in this manner, just getting more and more beautiful, and my favorite

She has no idea
That I see God in her.
And want to grow old with her
One day start a family
We'll host Sunday dinner.
I love her for the inner
Even though her outer
And everything about her is a winner

It made me pause and think about what I wanted. How badly I hoped that one day someone will want that with me, feel that with me...and then after I told him how much I liked it, he posted something on my wall...saying that was how he feels.

I often wonder why I'm so selfish when it comes to love. I love hard, but at the same time I'm very guarded. I love the way that love feels, but I almost hate how love makes me so happy. It's like I have a dependency on having a significant other and this has been an issue of mine for awhile--and then when I try and fix it, I decide that the only way to fix it is to break it off. It's not healthy, but it seems to be my generic response. I know that I can't depend on man to do things right...people will always fail and fall short of what we need or want, so I try to depend on God and yet I continue to get caught up with my desire to have someone. A disruptive cycle because often the guys don't even realize that these thoughts are going through my head, so when I break things off they're left wondering what they did wrong when they did nothing but be so good that my heart grew on them

Some people tell me that love is, to an extent, a dependency. It's a relationship, it's a commitment, it's a compromise...and while I accept some of these roles, dependency just isn't one that I agree with. Maybe it's because my biological father left my mom and she had to be independent I have a view that until you get married, independent is that way to go...so here is my explanation and apology to someone I love and can see myself marrying one day:

I love you, and you know that. I know that my actions and my words sometimes don't coincide and it's a maddening cycle that you are partaking in that goes from fabulous highs to ridiculous lows, but if you give me this time, maybe I'll be able to get it right. I have faith that there is a plan and there is no way that something of this earth could break our bond unless the breaking is what God wants. I love how happy you make me and I love how I can make you smile and I love that you're able to express your feelings to not only me, but to your friends and family. You are amazing...and I want nothing but to see you happy...just right now it might not be able to be with me. You're my best friend and no one will ever be able to replace you or come close to where you are in my heart...have faith that at the end of all this, we'll be together...even if it isn't romantically.

And yet...I still don't feel that those words even begin to express the words in my heart.

lovelove.

there are just some things...

2009-02-23T17:58:00.002-05:00

"Now I think it would be better if you and I spent some time apart
Cause I'm so afraid that we were wrong from the very start, baby
You don't even know no more - the reason you stay
Sometimes I wish we could go back and relive the better days"

I will never understand why people lie as much as they do. While discussing a mutual ex-boyfriend with a friend of mine, she asked if I still talked to him...to which I jovially replied, "NOPE." I was happy to cut him off from my life because he was nothing but drama. ALL THE TIME. Every other week, I swear it was something new. While we were dating, we had broken up for a little while and he started sleeping with her who he had been dating before hand and got her "pregnant" which is still debatable, but then he also got ANOTHER girl pregnant.

Neither of the girls had babies though.

Mind you, he was like, 19 and I was 17 and the girls were like...15 or 16. Not cute. Not cute at ALL. Then when we got back together I didn't know all this had taken place. *enter MySpace* drama...and soon I made my exit. The two girls however befriended me and would go back and forth between being friends and enemies...it was too much drama to deal with.

Fast forward to today...as I said, I was talking to one of the girls, and she had expressed the interest if I still spoke to him, and of course, the answer was no. Then she explains that she had spoken to him and apparently he had "moved to Oregon and has another baby, but when I was talking to him today he said he was back in Vegas to visit the baby mama and the child again." She had her suspicions...and rightfully so, he isn't exactly the most trustworthy ~~man~~ boy.

Another lie he had told us (or at least me) was that he had no kids, then when he had to move back out to Vegas lo and behold, he had a child already there. I never understood why she continued to talk to him or believe a word he said though. I guess some women/girls never learn, or rather enjoy being lied to. Oh well...

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but it really doesn't matter because he's irrelevant to my life. Completely irrelevant. I guess some people are content to be ignorant and to listen to every lie that is told to them, but that person will never be me.

lovelove.

saving the world...

2009-02-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me..."

For starters, I love www.pandora.com, I also love Hillsong & Brooke Fraser.

Now that that's out of the way, I am so ecstatic that I have no class tomorrow. My 5 to 7 got canceled last week. This week I've decided that I really want to work on praying, just totally being honest with God about everything.

I think it's funny how everybody has this idea of how we're "supposed" to pray. Prayer is supposed to be conversational. God isn't like, some big CEO guy that doesn't want to hear about your problems, he loves to hear them and comfort you. For the longest time my prayers were basically like, "Lord, I love you...you love me, you know what I've done wrong...please forgive me..." and then I'd start rattling off prayers for my friends and family, totally not really saying anything for myself or about my own status. I've finally learned how to pray! YAY! lol...I've learned the importance of just doing that. Talking to God and just being totally honest. I even found myself saying things that I worried would offend him, but then I realized that he loves me, and that everything I'm saying, he already knows. So yeah, that was a big lesson for me.

In other news, I'm behind in classes and have 32 journals/reviews/reactions to write by Friday, paper due Thursday, and I don't think I have anything else to do...but then again, I'm bad at that kinda stuff. I'm off to my next class though, hope everyone that happens to glance upon this has gotten maybe something to think about and that you have a blessed day.

lovelove.

the way it all starts...

2009-02-22T20:30:00.000-05:00

"Let thoughts and heart desires be one in the same."

It's crazy how sometimes it just takes a little thing to put everything else in perspective. I found that quote inside the wrapping of a Dove chocolate and it made me really think about my heart and where I am with my relationship with other people and God. It has definitely been an uphill battle, but it's well worth it.

I love my life. Not necessarily everything in it, not necessarily everything about it, but I wouldn't change a single thing. It hasn't been easy, but it's been worth it in the long run. Today was spent just reflecting on what I have right now and how I plan on keeping it.

This has been a very trying time; living in another state than my family, dealing with the bull that people at UF put me through, rededicating my life to God and subsequently trying to live my life in a way that is healthy for myself and that gives Him glory. I consider myself a very strong individual, but it's been hard. So now I'm pouring it all out and being serious with myself about everything and hopefully writing it out helps.

I've learned the hard way that things will never always work out the way you want them to and that even when you have the best intentions, people will still take your actions the wrong way and that no matter how much you care about someone, they won't always share your caring feelings back, and just because someone is head over heels in love with you, it doesn't mean you'll feel the same either...and it sucks to have to tell them that. People will hurt you and not care. People will try to break you down for no reason at all...however, one of the most important lessons I learned is that a good friend, is someone that doesn't always tell you what you want to hear, but will always tell you what you need to hear. It seems basic, but it's crazy how many "good friends" aren't.

Anyway, I wouldn't change my life at all. All the pain was worth it. All the joy was worth it. Every "mistake" in someone elses' eyes was a learning experience in mine, and some lessons just have to be learned.